Tonight I’m pretty scared. I’m sick with the thought of going under the knife tomorrow morning. But despite the fear and dread, I’m feeling slightly positive. I’m feeling hopeful that the end is almost in sight.
I mean if you think about it, today might be my last day with my fistula pumping out blood and mucus all over the place every hour of the day and night. And, who knows, it might be the end of the awful symptoms of this God forsaken illness once and for all.
Yes, I know I will never truly be rid of my colitis. Most of the damage has already been done. But I hope never to see blood again in the toilet basin, collapse or pass out in agonising pain, or be so drained from constant toilet trips and vomiting I can hardly keep my eyes open at work. I hope that this time tomorrow the damaged part of my bowel will finally leave me be, and if that means living for the rest of my life with an ostomy bag so be it.
As you all know the last few weeks haven’t been easy. I have struggled over whether I made the right decision by going forward with this operation to make my ostomy permanent, I wondered wether I would live to regret my choice. But with my rectal stump becoming more and more inflamed, bleeding and ulcerated and generating around 2 pints of bloody mucus a day, I have realised I would be naive to think this illness would ever go away without this final operation.
The last few weeks my fistula has been a nightmare. I have had more leaks in the last fortnight than the last six months, and have ruined more knickers, tights, pjs, trousers and dresses than I did in the first few days after my first operation.
Some of the horrific leaks, teamed with the tugging pain and nauseating pulsing from the fistula on my stomach, have given me the confidence that this is the right decision. That, and the overwhelming support from you guys, my blog readers, the IBD/ostomy community, friends and family. I have received so many amazing messages of advice and support over the past week alone which have made me realise I am not alone and that there is hope and light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Thank you for giving me strength and hope.
No matter what happens on that operating table I will be one step closer to the end of my battle with Ulcerative Colitis. And as I drink my pre op energy drink I know it will all be over soon.
It will be ok.