I can’t remember the last time I laughed hysterically at something.
You know that feeling where you feel like your going to wet yourself, or worse poop!
Earlier today I actually laughed out loud, and as the sound reached my ears I almost jumped out of my seat thinking someone else was in the room – that’s how alien a sound it was.
I guess I’ve been feeling pretty low recently and I’ve been giving myself a really hard time about it.
It’s been over a year since my final operation (hopefully ever) to remove the last evil part of my ravaged bowel and strip that horrific disease from me. I’m not going to pretend everything is perfect, but I have never been better, and that horrific disease has been sewn out of me for over a year!
So it’s hard for me to understand why I feel so low and tired, surely I should be shouting from the rooftops?
When you first get well after a long illness it’s the strangest feeling. For years I lived with a disease that would hide behind a hedge and pounce at the worst possible moment, draining the life from me and taking until I just didn’t have anything left. Sometimes it would leave me alone for a few months but it was always waiting until life started to feel just about perfect before flaring up in my face and messing everything up again.
I guess I’m waiting for that moment, I guess I’m expecting it to come back.
Of course, that would be physically impossible – I don’t have a bowel any more to be ravaged!
But I’m not my positive self at the moment, I just don’t feel quite right, and I’m not having the adventures I sat in that hospital bed dreaming I would be having once I was well and living my life to the full. Instead I’m being a bit of a boring old arse!
That’s why I’ve not been blogging. I suppose I feel a bit of a fraud.
But tonight I was watching a film which made me really think about what matters in life.
In the past few months I’ve left everything behind for a new job in a city where I know absolutely no one, and, if I’m honest, I’m finding it pretty tough.
But watching that tonight reminded me of why I started this blog. It was a bucket load of selfishness – a way of me unloading my feelings on the world – teemed with a genuine desire to help others not to feel alone if they faced the same journey.
This blog was always meant to be about hope, adventure and above all else honesty.
I think I might have forgotten that a bit on the way, and I want to say I am truly sorry for that.
I’m not in any way comparing myself to the amazing woman in the C-Word, a film that left me covered in mascara and clinging to my teddy overcome with emotion at her strength and bravery.
But she reminded me that no matter what you have to carry on, look life in the face and say “you will not stop me” – her story made me feel hope, and gave me a little bit of a slap around the face and a kick up my sewn up bum to sort myself out.
Reading some of your comments tonight made me think that this blog is something that matters, and not something I can just ignore until I think I’ve got something amusing to write – I mean we could be waiting years!
And so I’m going to start blogging again, and, of course, trying to crack on with some of these adventures.
I’ve missed you all so much. I can’t wait to start this journey again….