I’m sorry I’ve not blogged for a few weeks.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been seeing things from the other side, my sister has been quite ill. I won’t go into details as it is her business, and while I’m very honest and open about my own condition it wouldn’t be fair to talk about her.
All my life I’ve been the ill one, the one everyone worries about, is sent cards and flowers, the one taking phone calls in hospital beds – it has rarely been the other way around.
But in the last few weeks my sister (who often has coughs and colds but nothing drastic) has been really ill, so much so she needed to go into hospital and have an operation.
It frightened the shit out of me to be honest with you. (sorry for swearing)
It was weird hearing her drugged up on medication, talking to her knowing she was propped up on a hospital bed hooked up to machines, and going through the horrid nil-by-mouth all I want to do is sleep period.
I suddenly went from the one everyone worried about, waited to hear from, tried to entertain when bored, to the worrier and the one trying desperately hard to entertain even though I had no clue what to say.
And it turned out I was rubbish at it and felt totally helpless….I may as well have been on the other side of the world for all the good I did, thank god my parents were there.
Basically the tables turned and I got to experience what my sister has had to cope with during all my years of illness (and my mum and my dad, and my boyfriends over the years).
And I have to say it was a horrible eye opener.
When you are in hospital it is an awful experience: it doesn’t matter how good the care is, how kind and compassionate the nurses and doctors are, or how much people bring you to do, it’s bloody horrible and you’d rather be anywhere else.
I was always so envious of everyone else being able to work, leave, work, eat what they want, work, use real soap and be able to wash their hands with anti-bac and then leave the hospital ward to go home to TV, a hot meal and their own bed. I guess I don’t really think I appreciated that when my folks left after visiting time they took the worrying with them and probably only got the same amount as sleep as I did through panicking about me all night.
While you’re there you know your family are going sick with worry, are trying their best to help and are going through it with you – but I guess I didn’t appreciate just how stomach churning worrying it was until Hannah was admitted to hospital.
Even though I knew there was nothing at all I could do and that she was in the best place, in safe hands etc, I suddenly felt really far away, like I needed to be there, but I couldn’t be.
Luckily my sister is home now, which couldn’t make me more happy. Having been in her shoes I know how nice it is to get back to your own bed, food and teddy bears!
Her being ill has made me realise a few things, one is that I need to be less selfish.
When I first rang my mum when my sister told me she was in hospital she told me I needed to take care of myself as I couldn’t be ill to.
She’s right I need to start taking care of myself not just for me, but for my family, my boyfriend, my career and my life.
How I am affects everyone around me, but it takes its toll mostly on my family. I don’t want the first thing that pops into their head when they get a couple of calls off me to be ‘is she in hospital, is she ill’ – I want it to be what amazing news has she got, has she won and award, is she engaged?
I want my family to be able to rely on me not worry about me. So for everyone’s sake its time to start sorting myself out….I am well now so I shouldn’t still be thought of as the sick one and I don’t want to be thought of that for the rest of my life.
If my sister or my mum, or my dad get sick I want them to be able to rely on me, not worry that I’m too busy or fragile to deal with it. It’s time for me to start getting my priorities, which is my family in order, which means seeing them more often, staying in touch and appreciating them more.
I don’t know how this blog ended up being all about me (which I guess proves my point down to a tee) – so I’m going to shut up.
The big stoma bucket list 